How I Made My Sister's Funeral a Celebration

I remember when I lost my sister Donna, and the funeral home started using the term "life celebration" as we planned with them, I felt agitated and infuriated.  I thought - how in the hell am I supposed to celebrate during the most horrible experience of my life?

As I reflect now on that time 17 years ago, I realize we actually did celebrate my sister in a number of beautiful ways during her memorial service.  We celebrated her in exactly the way she would have wanted to be remembered - quirky and unconventional.  I wanted to share some of what we did in case it's helpful to anyone navigating deep grief and wanting to also hold fast to the love and joy that person brought to your life.

Making a Funeral Mixed "Tape"

In the few days after we lost Donna, I locked myself in her old bedroom in our family home, to spend time creating a mixed CD to give out at the funeral.  It wasn't just about helping friends and family remember her, although I heard time and again from people that it made a very real difference for them and they were able to learn more about Donna through listening to it. It was also about diving headfirst into something my sister and I shared deeply: a love of music.  We were big fans of mixed tapes, and she and I shared many across the years.  It seemed only fitting to fill the CD with a few of her favorite songs, including the one she was last listening to on her iPod when she got into her accident (Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend), as well as songs that made me think of her.  Those hours spent holed up in the bedroom brought such joy and catharsis; it felt as if I was directly communicating with my sister during it.  I finished the CD with an Andy Warhol-esque set of photos of Donna 0n the cover.

Creating a Funeral Playlist

We couldn't bear the thought of seeing friends and family during such a tragic and absurd circumstance without a soundtrack to go along with it.  Might that seem glib or too much? Maybe. However, it seemed completely fitting, and allowed us to tell a story of my sister and our love for her as we played it.  We included everything from her favorite, The Smiths, to songs that reminded her of our father like Frank Sinatra and John Denver. As the music played, the love and tears flowed.

Writing a Heartfelt Eulogy

My sister was such a talented writer, and when it came to our own eulogies we knew she deserved ones that were coming straight from the heart to the page.  All three of us - my sisters Kerry, Chrissy and I - wrote our own eulogies reflecting on our time with our sister and what we loved about her most.  We did these even when it made us nervous and even when we weren't sure at first what to say.

My sister Chrissy's started with "I always thought the first time I got up to speak about you it would be when you won a Pulitzer." Mine reflected on how Donna was always the most beautiful and coolest girl at any concert we went to together. We were honest, heartfelt and completely in the moment as we spoke.  It remains one of the most healing things we've ever done around our grief.  

Adding Quirky Touches to the Funeral

My sister was one-of-a-kind, with a wickedly witty sense of humor.  When it came to the memorial service, there was no way we could be completely serious about it even if it was a funeral - it would have felt impossible and disingenuous!  We did so many things to celebrate who she was as a person. We hung a Morrissey pillowcase from the lectern where people signed the guestbook.  We placed a picture of her in roller skates up at the front, and put her roller skate by the guestbook.  Together as a family we created a big heart constructed out of her concert pins and hung it where people could see it when they arrived. We showed a video, made by her boyfriend at the time, which was a compilation of funny Donna moments, ending with her waving goodbye as she looked us all in the eye. After the service, we gathered at a Thai restaurant, since she loved Thai food.

Much like my jewelry, we created something beautiful and memorable out of our grief, even when it would have felt easier to look away and not face the pain.  I am forever grateful we did, as our memories of that day are also filled with laughter and heartfelt gratitude.